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helen of troy.

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... [Dec. 12th, 2010|05:25 pm]
helen of troy.
[Current Location |LC]
[Current Mood |determineddetermined]
[Current Music |a mix of early 2000s pop punk bands]

Of course I'll check it. I check this every day, sadly, I didn't check it after I got home from work last night until now. I really wish I had, cause I was thinking about you at that time as well. I miss you like crazy, and it's driving me up the wall not having actually spoken to you in two weeks. I'm still your girl though, always will be. That will never change. Traci says you were signed onto MSN earlier, if you were, I could kick myself for not having known. I wish I could talk to you right now. I've just been trying to keep myself distracted. New laptop, Christmas shopping, new site. It's hard logging onto EH, so I usually only log on for short periods of time, and then I avoid it like the plague.

Actually, I think I'm seeming to everyone else that I'm better off than I am. Sireana is really the only person who's caught onto my games. She always asks me how things are going and such. I'm good at playing the "I'm alright" card. I do talk to you sometimes in the car though- I'll admit that one with my pride on a plate. Usually it's when I'm driving home late at night from work. I hope you're finding something to get your mind off of this whole mess. And I know Marcus has been keeping up on things, thankfully. He checks in now and then, and I feel bad but I totally exploit him to find out about you before even asking how he is. He understands though.

So things on my end are pretty much at a stand still, I'm just throwing myself into anything I can to make the time go by and not sit idly and think up some irrational rescue plan that would make things worse in the end. And I always think about what you would tell me before I take a step. I love you so much, and not having you to talk to just makes me realize how much I really want to make this work. I check my phone and my facebook about ever hour, and apparently I should check this more often. So, without making this a novel, I love you and I miss you. Most of all, I'm yours. Always. <3
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:( [Dec. 4th, 2010|01:51 am]
helen of troy.
I opened this and started typing expecting that by the time I actually got writing I would know what to say. I still haven't gotten there. I hate that you're gone, that there isn't anything I can do to make things alright again, or that I have no idea what's going on. I don't know if you've read this or even if you're going to, but it's the only place I know to put this. But overall, I think I'm doing okay by my standards. I'm just doing what you would want me to, being good and sticking around my friends. The only reason I'm keeping it together is because I'm holding onto the idea of September, of finally getting to see you.

You're my everything, remember it. No matter what happens. I love you, and a few months can't change that.

Posted via LjBeetle
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:( [Dec. 3rd, 2010|02:52 am]
helen of troy.
I miss you.

If you've seen this, I wish you'd give me something so I know you're alright.
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-sigh- [Dec. 1st, 2010|01:58 pm]
helen of troy.
[Current Music |This Time Next Year]

I haven't heard from you today, and I feel so stupid for freaking out- but I can't help it. Your facebook is gone, none of us can see it. And I didn't get anything from you today when I thought I would. Maybe I'm overreacting, but this time I can't help but think maybe you've changed your mind.

Edit: Kyle is my voice of reason. I was overreacting. I do that. Often. I over-analyze, think worst case scenario... the whole bit. So I've just been rereading the EH messages, and I'll keep faith. You're the first thing I've really had anything faith in, and I won't let my natural inclinations take that away. I can do this, we can do this. I want you, and just think, if we can last without much for ten months we can make it through anything.

I'm not saying that I won't screw up, or that I'll be perfect while you're gone. I can't say that for sure. At some point, I'm going to do something stupid. I'm self destructive and completely irrational. The most rational thing I could do right now is trust us and trust that in September, I'll get off a plane at BHX and you'll be standing there waiting for me. You know I love you. <3

Edit #2: Laura showed me the PM that was sent asking her to ban you. I guess it's what you were told to write, along with the OOC post. And I checked in the DB, you didn't sign onto Adair today, and before that, you had deleted all the PMs. I had been about to throw up, and I should've given you more credit. You're fucking clever as hell. I want to think I've figured it out, but I don't have everything, and I'm a bit scared that I don't know how bad it actually is. This is driving me crazy that I can't be there for you. Kyle told me to stop having a breakdown about it every six hours, but it seems that every six hours it gets worse. And if I'm a wreck, I know you are. Right now is one of those times where I wish I was telepathic.
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(no subject) [Dec. 1st, 2010|01:32 am]
helen of troy.
[Current Music |This Time Next Year]

Because I don't know what's going on:

I'm going to send this to you a few different ways, because I don't know what you're going to be able to access. I just realized that I can't view your FB, it's gone. JJ can't either. I don't know whether it's been deleted or if we're all just blocked or what. I won't lie, I feel physically ill. I can't believe they would go to these lengths, whether it's due to grades and me, or just me.

I just need you to know that even without that, I'll wait. I will, I swear to you. I'm yours. When I say always, that's what I mean. If it takes until you go to uni, I'll wait that long. As long as you want me, I'll be here. I swear, if I could swim the ocean I would, you know that.

I know you're hurting right now, and it's killing me that I can't be there for you. I miss you so fucking much, and I love you more than anything. <3

ill be checking it everyday. <3 fuck. Honestly, do they think this is going to stomp the feeling out of you? Well, the second you're in the clear, baby. And ill get to you. I promise you I will get to you. Ill post things in places, and zach is going to help me record some things. And ill make sure you find them. You can always find me again. <3

Yeah, the 24th of august. That's our year. And ill keep my mind going towards then. This is going to work out, we just have to hold on. You're worth this, and never forget that fact. You're. Worth waiting nine months, because after that well find a way to be together. If it means I have to move, then fine, ill move. I would follow you anywhere.

Hopefully they give you your phone then. What happens on Friday?
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